Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Cold Feet, Bitten Fingernails, Hair on the edge... Help me believe.

I don’t know but it is like I have cold feet. I am rounding up my university education and I am worried and scared. Truth is my university education was not the one I imagined. It was supposed to be better than what it has turned out to be. I was supposed to shine extremely bright but somewhere along the line, things changed.
 
I have been trying to ask myself where it all went wrong. I am wondering how all the misconceptions about me arose. How I failed to meet my expectations and that of everyone that knew/know me. I am not doing poorly, don’t get it twisted but at the same time, it is like I am a disappointment.
 
I want you to note at this point that this is not a pity note and I will most definitely NOT be hosting a pity party anytime soon. Thing is I just want to know how and why. People tell me believe God and yourself and all things will fall in place and that there is a bigger picture blah blah blah. Seriously? Is that really the case? I was doing an inventory of my life presently and I could not help but break down. Right now, blogging is the only thing I do and actually love. My writings, my poetry… they are the things that make sense right now. It is like I am in a dark hole and so many things are unsure. I am doing things I don’t want to do and…
 
Five years ago, I had a different dream. I imagined what five years from then will look like, my graduation and all… I imagined how I would be as an individual. Right now, it feels like I was living in a fantasy. Once again, I beg you not to get it twisted, I am grateful to God for how far he has brought me but I am not exactly happy and today I admitted it to myself. I am not only unhappy, I am scared and you don’t want to know the thoughts that have been running through my mind.
 
So I am here, sitting in this dark hole, trying hard to believe that there is so much more to my life. I am trying to believe that all things will work together for my good. The only question I ask is do I even love the Lord? Things are really weird with me and I… (Blank)
 
God. Help me believe. I want to believe in You and I want to believe in me. I want to believe in love and I want to know that I will make it till the end and finish the race with a huge smile plastered on my face. I want to believe that my family and friends will be happy with me and that I have become a better person. I want to believe.
 
Right now, my feet are cold from fear, my fingernails are bitten from intense nervousness, and my hair is standing on edge. I mean anything can happen. Please, help me believe again.
 
Trotcha!

PS: You can still nominate me for the Nigerian Blog Awards here

5 comments:

  1. this too shall pass!

    but, I'll send u an e-mail...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Harry, sometimes the devil feeds us with thoughts that crumble us down. bt take heart, "Greater is HE that is in you..".

    i think the pre-graduation feeling is the same for 'almost' everyone. the first month of my senior year, i found myself crying one day. i suddenly felt like I CHOSE THE WRONG PATH. and it was too late to change it.

    Today, i smile at the remembrance of that moment. that moment when i doubted everything else. I understand you...The PEACE of CHRIST be ours right now... and it will guide our heart and mind!

    Invite me to the grad party, ok? hehehe!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Akinnola OpeyemiMay 12, 2010 at 11:31 PM

    sincerely, I feel very guilty rather than sorry.
    I should have been there when you needed to express urself silently and in words.
    I'd call myself 'silly' for not grabbing the opportunity to be ur bestest friend. I'd call myself 'stupid' for letting time pass without being sensitive enough to know someone needs my shoulder to cry and lean on.
    i must say i share the same feeling of nostalgia about the time i have passed in this varsity, not just to soothe the uncomfortable feeling u have but to let u know that i have realized what a big ass i have become.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just trust in God harry,remember he has brought you this far,take care

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think what you are experiencing is normal when you're the type of person with high expectations for yourself. This too shall pass don't just beat yourself too much about it and know that you can still accomplish more.

    ReplyDelete

Oya you sef talk ya own!!!