I don’t know but it is like I have cold feet. I am rounding up my university education and I am worried and scared. Truth is my university education was not the one I imagined. It was supposed to be better than what it has turned out to be. I was supposed to shine extremely bright but somewhere along the line, things changed.
I have been trying to ask myself where it all went wrong. I am wondering how all the misconceptions about me arose. How I failed to meet my expectations and that of everyone that knew/know me. I am not doing poorly, don’t get it twisted but at the same time, it is like I am a disappointment.
I want you to note at this point that this is not a pity note and I will most definitely NOT be hosting a pity party anytime soon. Thing is I just want to know how and why. People tell me believe God and yourself and all things will fall in place and that there is a bigger picture blah blah blah. Seriously? Is that really the case? I was doing an inventory of my life presently and I could not help but break down. Right now, blogging is the only thing I do and actually love. My writings, my poetry… they are the things that make sense right now. It is like I am in a dark hole and so many things are unsure. I am doing things I don’t want to do and…
Five years ago, I had a different dream. I imagined what five years from then will look like, my graduation and all… I imagined how I would be as an individual. Right now, it feels like I was living in a fantasy. Once again, I beg you not to get it twisted, I am grateful to God for how far he has brought me but I am not exactly happy and today I admitted it to myself. I am not only unhappy, I am scared and you don’t want to know the thoughts that have been running through my mind.
So I am here, sitting in this dark hole, trying hard to believe that there is so much more to my life. I am trying to believe that all things will work together for my good. The only question I ask is do I even love the Lord? Things are really weird with me and I… (Blank)
God. Help me believe. I want to believe in You and I want to believe in me. I want to believe in love and I want to know that I will make it till the end and finish the race with a huge smile plastered on my face. I want to believe that my family and friends will be happy with me and that I have become a better person. I want to believe.
Right now, my feet are cold from fear, my fingernails are bitten from intense nervousness, and my hair is standing on edge. I mean anything can happen. Please, help me believe again.
PS: You can still nominate me for the Nigerian Blog Awards here